Poloke
by Toni Harrison
Summary: Post ep to 5x07. 4th and Final chapter up - Mainly Steve and Danny in this chapter but mention of the rest of the core team. Thanks for reading.
1. Chapter 1

Poloke (Broken)

(Post ep to the very wonderful 5x07).

Steve and Danny fic. Bit of swearing throughout. Plus a bit of angst.

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><p><em>I wish that I could cry, Fall upon my knees. Find a way to lie 'Bout a home I'll never see – <em>Superman (it's not easy) Five for Fighting

His eyelids shut briefly and for the 8th time in 5 minutes, he shakes himself awake. Trying to stay awake is becoming a challenge but it's easier than the alternative. He's been home a little over 2 days having been in the hospital for a couple of nights to ensure there were no residual effects from the drugs in his system and to treat the bullet wound and other injuries courtesy of Wo Fat's torture and their fight to the death. His pupils still bear the after effects of the water torture and his physical injuries will heal, soon probably given how well he takes care of himself. He knows, they know, all of them about that but everything else, well how long would it take anyone to recover from that?

He takes a deep breath and slowly, wearily he stands up and almost instantly falls over but prevents it by gripping onto the back of the couch. He shuffles slowly to the kitchen to make himself yet another coffee and the tell-tale shake of his hands show how perhaps having 2 coffees an hour isn't the best idea for a guy recovering from what he's been through and what's been in his system. But what's the alternative? Shut his eyes again and relive what might have been? What should've been? He admonishes himself dismissing those thoughts as quickly as they came and pours the boiling water into the cup picking it up and heading back to the couch, grabs the remote and sits down to try and stay awake to whatever kind of nonsense is on the television at this time, he strains his eyes to look at his watch, his eyes have been a little blurry since…well, yeah. It's 4.56am. Later than he thought but too early to be bothering anyone.

He lifts the cup to his mouth and takes a sip, cursing as he does so. 'No coffee in there idiot' he mutters to himself so he stands up yet again, and again he sways but this time he loses his balance completely and he's on the floor having made contact with the side table and hearing the clatter and smashing of the cup, the water narrowly missing him but splashing onto the floor so he curses again, he manages to stand up again groaning as he does so and he sways yet again but takes slow steps one by one until he finds the broom but his spatial awareness is all screwed up so as he makes his way back to clean up this mess, the side of the brush makes contact with the bookcase and there's a clatter and the sound of breaking glass so he turns to face whatever he's damaged this time, sinking to his knees as he sees it, gasping and this time he shuts his eyes.

* * *

><p>'Yes, monkey, I'll give him the biggest hug just from you' He smiles to himself as the protests come through loud and clear. Apparently his daughter is at the stage in her life where that term of endearment is beginning to lose its appeal so he'll continue to use it of course though he's aware she's her mother's daughter for all the teasing so he doesn't push his luck for now but just as he's about to apologise, he hears a young male voice shouting his daughter's name and a soft laugh and a brief 'Bye Danno' and she's gone and he's staring at the phone and mumbles 'Tell him I'll break his legs whoever he is if he hurts you' into the receiver. Man, things are changing way too fast he mutters. And he grips the steering wheel for a moment, staring into the distance, his thoughts drifting to Matt for a moment but as quickly as the thought is there, he dismisses it and stares across the road again into the house. It's 7.08am and he thinks that it's just late enough for him to turn up at Steve's without his friend thinking he's being a mother hen.<p>

Truth is he's not left his car at all or moved away from McGarrett's house since he first made the show of having left to home and instead just drove round for 5 minutes and then came straight back, in case Steve needed him. That's what he tells himself anyway, that Steve could need him without acknowledging that maybe he needs him right back. He screws his eyes up, stifling a yawn and stretching his arms, he's stiff. That's what 8 hours of trying to sleep but then feeling guilty and waking straight away in a car seat will do for you. He taps restlessly on the wheel, suddenly nervous at going to the door before he tells himself off and without thinking any further, he's out the car, the ache and the stiffness disappearing as quickly as he walks to the door knocking hard on it 'Babe, it's me'.

* * *

><p>He hears the sound and looks up startled. Unsure of where he is for a moment and in which reality he's existing. If there is such a thing as reality that is but he looks down and he knows and before he can stop it, the sound of a stifled sob escapes. The photo frame is in pieces on the floor and he's suddenly aware of the picture he's hugging and his face screws up slightly as through moistened eyes, he sees them him.<p>

'Babe, I'm giving you 30 seconds to put your pants on and make yourself decent before I come in and give you a piece of my mind for making me stand out here banging this door like an idiot in this awfu- beautiful weather'

He gently sets down the picture, quickly swats at his eyes and the dampness, standing up quickly and half shouts/mumbles 'Come in' before he regrets it as he looks around him at the mess and at his hands which are covered in bits of glass and blood and he stares fascinated at the blood for a second dimly hearing the sound of the door shutting and a voice 'Steve, babe, you ok?'

Without even thinking he nods and tears his attention away from his hands and looks at his friend and he tries to smile but it's so half-hearted and couldn't fool even a blind man and he's not sure what's got into him lately as the moistness starts again from his eyes and he lifts up his hands like a small boy 'I think I cut my hands a little bit' he says apologetically and for a moment he sees a flash of pity in his friend's eyes and man that does smart. Steve McGarrett getting pity looks? How times change.

But before he can dwell too much on that, Danny is beside him and gently propelling him towards the kitchen and one of the chairs 'Sit Sit' he hears vaguely before a louder command 'Steven, sit, before you fall down' and he obeys. 'Back in a sec' he hears and he nods and though in his head he says 'Ok' he's vaguely aware that no sound passes from his lips.

Danny is indeed back in a second or more like 30 or so and he's back with band aids, the first aid kit, a towel and a look of worry he didn't have before, and he places the photograph across the table from Steve looking intently at him as he does, and Steve wants to grab at it but he can't as then it'll all be clear and the questions will start and he really doesn't want to give all the answers, not yet anyway so instead he just stares at it longingly, wistfully.

He's so lost and far away that it takes Danny having to click his fingers right in Steve's face to bring him back 'Hey Steven, babe, you with me? Do I need to call an ambulance?' And for a moment he wants to call out his friend for having the aneurysm face he apparently has always had the monopoly on but he doesn't as that's all way too much effort so instead he offers a little nod, a half-hearted smile and says 'I'm fine'.

Danny scoffs. 'I very much doubt that Steven, you and me, we're as far away from fine as 2 men can ever get I think right now' And with that Danny sits in the chair right next to him and for one horrible moment, Steve thinks that he's going to want to share for a moment or get Steve to share whatever went on in there and he's just about to bolt from his seat though with his level of energy right now, the bolt would be a stagger probably but he's willing to give it a go, but instead Danny sighs, smiles and just says 'Gimme' and chuckles a little at the confused look he gets in return 'Your hand, dummy, unless you want to add blood poisoning to the shopping list of ailments you have right now' and Steve instantly relaxes 'Not really' he says and smiles gratefully genuinely for the first time in what seems like forever.

10 minutes later and apparently Danny isn't happy that his daughter has a boy calling her by her first name and he will insist on calling her monkey until she rips his larynx out or he thinks that was the gist of it as he smiled in the right places and made sympathetic 'You tell him brah' noises in the other places and now his hand is wrapped up like a mummified corpses hand would be. Apparently Danny attended the less is stress, more is best first aid skills course. But it's stopped bleeding and he's grateful and smiles and says 'Mahalo'.

'You're welcome babe' and Danny reaches across for Steve's other hand giving it a reassuring squeeze before pushing his chair back and standing up to clear up the mess and the un needed gauze and bandages, he busies himself for a moment, pacing up and down the kitchen stealing glances at his friend's face and demeanour while his friend once again seems lost in a dream world staring at the picture on the far side of the table. The picture of his Dad.

Then suddenly Steve's up and with impressive speed for a man who since this all happened has looked like a man twenty, thirty years older than this true age, he's left the room muttering in his wake to Danny who follows him 'I have to do something' and for a moment he pauses, his voice softening and eyes pleading 'Alone' and he's out the front door and there's no way on this earth that he should be getting behind the wheel of a car or his truck right now so he runs out to follow him, pulling the door behind him, feeling the house keys in his back pocket as he makes a small shimmy to the left and then the right and stands in front of Steve who's facing his truck door searching for the keys in own pocket apparently realising they aren't there and he sighs and swears loudly.

'You can't drive babe' Danny implores 'You know you can't right now, your hand is just bandaged, beautifully I might add, your other arm is recovering from a gunshot wound, your system is still dealing with a cocktail of all kinds of drugs in its system and well… you know'

Torture, the word that none of them can say. The word that's been unspoken throughout. Torture, not just of a physical kind cos well let's face it Steve's had plenty of that before in his life and he's like one of those action man figures that could get a lifetime's abuse from a kid but would still bounce back and look the same, yeah if it was just torture physically and he stops himself there, just physical torture. Is that all? Since when did his reasoning become so skewed that physical violence could be played down. But this was Steve so he simply adds 'I'll drive you, wherever you want to go, I will take you'. And whatever it was he expected, it wasn't for Steve to smile a little and nod and walk across to where Danny's car was and obediently face the passenger side of Danny's car. Now he really was worried.

* * *

><p>A simple instruction from Steve and without any words during the drive and his friend staring out the window the whole way there, they arrive at the cemetery where with a small mumble of thanks, he leaves the car. Danny thinks for a moment of following him, but he decides to give him space watching as he walks slowly head down deep in thought until he disappears from sight.<p>

He knows he has to do this, confront reality, but as he nears it, it's all he can do to prevent himself from running back to the car, which is a joke in itself as running is not on the agenda any time soon. Still his legs propel him forward and all of a sudden he's there.

And he bites at his lip so hard that he starts to taste the blood then without even realising he drops to his knees and he just about manages to stop himself from reaching to hug the gravestone as that really would confirm that this was what a breakdown looked like. Instead he just gasps out 'Oh dad'. And he sobs.

* * *

><p>It's been twenty five minutes and 13 seconds since Steve disappeared from sight, not that he's been counting and he's seriously doubting his sanity in letting Steve go anywhere out of his sight in public, yes he reasons, they all saw Wo Fat dead as the proverbial dodo right in front of them, but didn't Bobby Ewing die but he didn't really and as he starts to runwalk in his pursuit of Steve, his cell rings and it's Grover 'Hey Lou' and there's a frantic voice at the other end of the line as apparently they all decided to descended en masse to McGarrett's home which is a stupid idea anyway from where Danny's standing and of course no one's there and the door's unlocked cos yeah he felt the keys in his back pocket but of course he didn't lock it when he was hurrying after Steve, and not only is it unlocked but there's glass on the floor and what looks like Steve's blood and he's about to explain everything and stop the entire HPD going out on operation find the crazy attracts trouble like a magnet seal idiot again when he sees it and he stops dead and he can hear Lou raving down the phone 'You there?' and he hears himself say 'It's ok Lou, its ok, we'll be right back' and that's all he hears as he pulls the phone away from his ear and ending the call and Lou's protests, and walks slowly but purposefully dropping then to his knees alongside his friend and whispers 'Steve'.

Steve doesn't hear show any signs of hearing him at first. His knees are drawn up just underneath his chin and he's swaying slightly back and forth and there are unwiped tears on his face though the crying stopped almost as quickly as it started.

'Steven' 'Babe?'

Steve starts a little and then glances across at his friend who's mirroring his current stance, his eyes looking confused, scared even and he wants to stand up quickly, shake it all off and act like nothing happened but something stops him. He nods though in recognition, smiles even slightly but he knows he's not fooling anyone. 'I, well I….' he tries to speak but no words, not the words he wants anyway come out.

'Take your time' and he wants to hug Danno a little but mainly kick him right now. This understanding he really doesn't need, he needs Joe White, someone like that to tell him the stand the fuck up and swallow it all down and just keep going. But he's been trying to do that for the last 25 minutes, god for the last few days, god since Cat, well actually all his life. Lately though, every time he tries to swallow, he feels the nausea burning inside him so he does take his time and they sit in silence for he doesn't know how much longer, could be 5 minutes, could be 5 hours, the only way he can tell it's taking a while is that Danny keeps on moving to stretch his leg out a little.

'I really thought he was alive and yet here we are'. He says simply. And without warning, the burning in his eyes start again. He reasons for a moment, that'll be the aftermath of what was done to him, but he knows that's not what he wants it to mean by the physical stuff. It's the harder than anything else to deal with stuff.

'Yeah, when we found you, you asked how your Dad was' And apparently that's news to Steve at the look of surprise on his face.

'You all heard me say that?' At Danny's nod, he stops for a moment pausing then takes a big deep breath.

'Dad lived cos of you, well cos of me too, but mainly cos you guys saved him, and you were happy Danny, you even wore Hawaiian shirts, you loved Hawaii, you were also a bad ass, you shot Hesse twice in a hospital bed'

'No way!' Danny laughed. 'I was _you? _ jeez what a jerk, no offence intended' he adds quickly. And they both smile for a moment.

'You were still with Rachel, and well, you were so happy' He continues lost in that reality. 'Chin was a Captain, on his way to police chief, Kono was on some advertisement I think when we were in the room with Hesse and just well everyone seemed to be better, happier and just for a moment when I woke up, it felt like it was real and perhaps you know if I'd died right there, it would all have been worth it'.

He looks up and sees Danny shaking his head 'No way babe, wouldn't be half the person I am now or half the cop I am now, without you here beside me you big lug, you're my brother you know, not by blood but here' and he's pointing to his heart. 'Matt, well you know but you…' he shudders for a moment then shaking himself, he affectionately and lightly punches Steve in his good shoulder. 'You, well, you big idiot'. And the tears begin to threaten now in Danny's eyes.

'All Wo Fat wanted was to know where his Dad was, like I'd be told, he knew I didn't know but he said he wanted to be convinced and like torture was his way to do it, and…and well…and then Mom, well she took him in and she abandoned him, yeah' He stares at the ground.

'Fuck'.

'That about covers it I guess so we may not have been blood brothers, but…well Doris sure has a habit of abandonment, right?' And looks over at Danny 'And now he's gone and all I have is that knowledge and the fact that whenever I shut my eyes, I see Dad and I on the beach having a beer and then Wo Fat dead and Jenna…I see Jenna…I mean I saw Jenna and she was at the hospital and.'

'Steven, this is too much for you, let's go ho-'Danny stands up reaching a hand towards his friend but Steve shakes his head.

'No!' He shouts and a couple approaching a grave nearby stop shocked, whisper and turn away which Steve sees and he sighs and lowers his voice 'I did, I saw it and it felt so real and if it meant that you all could have the best life and all it cost was me not being here all along, I'd take it'.

Danny kneels and gently pulls him round to face him 'All that sounds amazing though ever so slightly crazy Steve, but honestly I wouldn't change it for a second if it meant this Ohana wasn't how I know it now'

Steve looks doubtful but nods and smiles a look of thanks then moving to stand up, he almost stumbles, but Danny's there, as he always has been in the aftermath of some of his worst moments.

'You ok to go home?' Danny questions. And there's a nod. And they walk back to the car quietly.

It's only when they're half way home that Steve glances over to Danny and smiles 'Hey, you know what, I could get used to getting chauffeured around all day you know'.

The car stops dead. 'What?' Danny shrieks. 'Oh dear god, this is worse than I thought' and he suddenly reaches for his cell and as Steve stares at him bemusedly and looking over his shoulder he seems him start dial a number.

'What the hell Danno?'

And Danny just shushes him with a finger until Steve reaches across and snatches the phone from him. '911, what the hell?'

'I knew you were different but now you got some kind of brain injury or the drugs are still in your system or something' and his arms are gesturing all over the place and Steve can't help but smile.

'And you got this idea from what? Me saying I liked being chauffeured around?' And he chuckles 'Man have we got some issues to work through, I'm lying of course – I don't even know why I said it, came from nowhere' and he shakes his head. 'I get all kinds of flashbacks and I never know whether they're from this reality or that one, at least I know now that it's more scary that I say I like you driving than me saying you were a bad ass'

Danny's head is still cocked to one side a little and he's weighing everything up but there's a smile there somewhere.

'Anyway, you know I do fancy a little drive right now, so I could wrestle you for the keys if you like'.

'Uh Uh, don't even think about it babe' and he holds up his hand as a warning right before he moves to the hand to Steve's neck. 'I'm so glad you're here even with all the weirdness which actually is just a different less homicidal maniac type weirdness than before and actually I prefer this weirdness so yeah stick around soft non car driving maniac loving Steve, please just stick around' .

'I intend to Danno' he says softly 'I intend to' and then just as Danno starts the car again 'Oh and by the way, Kamekona thought I was a stripper gram'.

'Oh we're so never going to get home now' and there's laughter. Just for a while.

to be completed

First fic in ages. Never thought I'd write again as so much has happened in my life but here I am, oh so rusty but wanted to do my own little one. Will be one or two at most more parts to follow by Monday I hope as well aware that this would only be start of the traumatic aftermath for Steve and all concerned. Anyway, wonderful episode last night, beautifully acted. So many ideas for fics which am sure loads will have too. It's been a fantastic season all round I think. Bravo all involved and I hope the impact of what's happened to Danny and Steve in particular is reflected throughout.


	2. Chapter 2

Poloke (Broken) – Part 2 of 3

(Post ep to the very wonderful 5x07).

Steve and Danny main characters but the others will show in points of view and with dialogue from each of the main four. I need to find Grover's voice and it's coming but not quite there yet.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Bridges we've crossed, battles we've had. Love we have lost, dreams we have shared. – All for one – Five for Fighting<em>**

_She smiles at him stroking his cheek as she lies on her side next to him in his, no their, bed and he savors every touch. 'What are you smiling at Sailor boy huh?' _

_He says nothing just grasps her in his arms holding on, enjoying her being there. 'Shut up, say nothing, it'll only spoil it' so she kisses him softly, laughs gently 'Anything for you' and rolls over onto her side facing away but in his embrace. _

_And they sleep. For how long he doesn't know until something wakes him and he caresses her shoulder, kissing it gently before moving out of the bed. _

_He turns back toward the bed 'I lov-'but it's not her, it's him and he has a gun. 'I'm your brother'._

He jerks awake. Like he has done every time he's slept or half slept over the last 12 days when the same pattern has followed to abruptly end his sleep. Each time it's Catherine and her face and then it's_ his_ covered in blood, with the eyes dead and staring up at him speaking those words. He guesses it's another thing he should be telling the therapist but that'll only push him to desk duty and no way he's doing that. So he sits up on the couch in his office, rubbing at his eyes and face before standing up wearily, stretching out the kinks in his back and walking out towards the briefing room.

He's been back at work now for 6 days. He thought he would feel better with the routine. Away from the monotonous existence of staring at his four walls or the ocean which hadn't given him his usual solace in recent times. Truth is, nothing feels better any more. Everything feels different. He feels different. It's like there's a part of him that was left in that room, and no not Wo Fat, never that person. Just another little piece of him that was left there along with all the other pieces that were left behind wherever he's had a piece of him taken. North Korea, Afghanistan and now Hawaii. It's a wonder he's still moving, walking, talking. Well that's what his therapist says anyway.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. He's heard it so many times, man he's seen its effects so many times and never once did he think the label would be on him. And of course he's fighting against it despite all the evidence to the contrary. Jeez the very fact that he sees Wo Fat's face over and over replacing Catherine's says it all. The fact that he keeps focusing on what he knows were simply drug induced memories but how badly despite all his protestations to the contrary he wishes all those things he thought were real, _WERE _real and how it kills him a little more inside each day when he has the waking dreams but then nightmare of his real life is there as soon as he's fully aware and conscious. And god he feels guilty for feeling like that the moment he catches Danny, Chin, Kono, Grover, hell Kamekona, anyone's eyes and sees the concern there.

And the crying, well enough about the crying.

He guesses he should tell the therapist about all of this but so far he's kept it pretty basic. And it's all about the torture, and yes it is pretty traumatic to be water boarded by the man who in one sense at least was his brother, and yes being shocked in your chest by a poker will smart a little and she makes all the sympathetic noises while he hears himself saying all the textbook stuff and then he'll have the moment of realization he knows she'll be expecting and that's when he'll put his head in his hands and shut his eyes and see Catherine and Wo Fat for the millionth time of course, but he'll push that to the back when she asks if he feels a little better and well he wrote the book on fooling himself even on how he is so he thanks and yes he does feel better but not so much better that she'll get suspicious so he agrees to see her again next week for his next little performance.

And so it goes on.

* * *

><p>He watches as Steve walks into the briefing room, staring around him with that fixed expression that's become the norm of late. The lights are on but there's no one home.<p>

He thinks since Steve started going to see the therapist, he's getting worse, not better. Perhaps the shock of being confirmed as suffering from PTSD has just hit harder than they all thought. The denial can carry on as long as it want until the moment someone, anyone gives it a label and that label for an ex seal and all around action man like Steve must be tough to face.

And yet, that's not it, he knows it isn't and maybe he's as guilty as Steve or any of them for not really seeing what's going on. Maybe he himself isn't ready to deal with the very real prospect that the Steve they knew long before all this last event happened, even before Afghanistan or North Korea before that or his Mom coming back from the dead, is never going to come back any time soon.

And then there's Matt. He swipes his hand across the computer screen and there in front of him is a picture of him and his brother when they were kids. But, just as quickly as he sees the picture of them both as he buries his head in his hands momentarily, the image that flashes up as it always does is the barrel. Not his brother, a fucking barrel. And man, he wishes he had a Reyes doll or dartboard or goddamit his body right there in front him always to shoot him till there was no ammo left in Hawaii or the whole world.

So yeah while he's constantly nagging Steven McGarrett to get the help he so desperately needs, it's not altogether surprising that each time he does, his buddy throws it back in his face and demands the same from him.

And he will. Maybe. But for now, he swipes his hand back across the screen which goes black, shakes his head a little and tries for briefingroomgument part 3003 lets fake we're okay.

And so it goes on.

* * *

><p>'Hey Steve' Chin acknowledges the other man as he walks in the room and gets a brief smile in return. Better than some days of late so he'll take it.<p>

'Anything yet?' says Steve gesturing towards the computer screen where they're following some ridiculously tiny for them case about counterfeiting money and fake alcohol which Chin can barely bring up the enthusiasm to even pull up the main screens for but he does so anyway.

'Precious little, just some more surveillance photographs from last year' he points toward the middle screen where 3 men huddle are huddled round the back of a container that's just been taken off a ship. No sign at all of what's in the actual container but apparently the Governor has decided that this is what his highly skilled, highly motivated, highly bored and very highly traumatized elite team will be working on for the foreseeable future.

Steve simply huffs and swears under his breath, pacing up and down. 'Ever get the feeling we're being babied round the place, huh?' And with that he storms back into his office, snatching for his phone and slamming the door behind him.

'What's with him?' Danny gestures towards the slam of the door.

'The same as with you, me, Kono and Grover, this' He points towards the middle screen again. 'That and well….' He raises the eyebrows.

'The other, huh? That unmentionable unmentionable thing' Danny strokes an exasperated hand through his hair. 'He's not getting any better is he?'

Not waiting for Chin to answer him he continues 'I came in early the other day' At Chin's raised eyebrows he hurries on 'So much paperwork to do' Chin starts to interrupt 'Hey, we're getting away from the issue here but yes seeing as you are seeming to try and make some point, I had a lot of paperwork to do, ok?'

He's aware he's moving his arms around but he's getting frustrated now. 'Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted by your over enquiring eyebrows, 2 days ago I came in and there were no lights on and so I thought, great, peace and quiet and so I started to do my paperwork and that's when I heard a crash and a shout' His voice quietens to a whisper 'a scream'.

Chin raises his eyebrow once more but it's matched by a look of concern rather than skepticism now. 'Steve?' And he's not even sure why he's saying that like it's a question.

Danny nods. 'I thought we were haunted first but when I ran out my office, I saw a small light from Steve's and he was on the floor, eyes fixed onto the phone with a gun in his other hand and just crying, rocking back and forth' He pauses and his eyes are beginning to glisten a little 'And rather than going in there and trying to help him, I turned around, walked on out of there and didn't come back till I knew I wouldn't have to face him alone' He stops for a moment collecting himself 'And you know why I didn't go in and help him, I'll tell you why cos the last time I helped a brother, I found him in a barrel in Colombia'

Before Chin can even start to counter the argument and the irrationality of all that Danny's just said, the man is gone. The only sign of him being there the swishing of the doors in his wake.

And just for a moment, between the man in the office right now shouting and complaining to the Governor and the other wherever he is right now, that little counterfeiting and bootlegging case is looking like it's the most insurmountable mountain they've ever faced.

* * *

><p>'I understand Sir, and I'm sorry' He sets the phone down a heck of a lot gentler than the way he picked it up and wonders for a moment where exactly he left his balls as that phone conversation just then definitely proved that they'd abandoned this particular ship long since.<p>

Cos the fact is he realized pretty much straight into the conversation that for all the babying Five-0 were getting or so he thought or in fact knows as its staring them in the face, that he's been complaining about bitterly to Chin, Kono, Danny, Lou or whoever will listen, he's not even halfway mentally equipped and ready enough to deal with even this right now.

And man that blows. And the realization is hitting him harder than any number of blows to the face, conversational chatter over a little bit of moonlit torture with his 'brother' or the fact that he wishes Cat was there next to him right now to grip him back into reality. But she's not and the walls suddenly feel like they're closing in and it's getting real stuffy in this place so he runs out the office, thinking in the back of his mind, it was really quite cold for Hawaii anyway when he left the house this morning and that's why you remembered your jacket, you big idiot so why forget it now, but it's all he can do to keep the legs pumping forward so with Chin's concerned 'Steve?' registering somewhere, he's gone. Not sure where, not sure when.

He's gone. Running away. And so it goes on.

* * *

><p>Kono stifles a yawn as she makes a right, ready to reverse into her usual parking spot. A relaxed evening with Adam, a leisurely breakfast and morning surf and actually she could get pretty used to this easy case situation. Ah, who's she trying to kid? Bored isn't even the word.<p>

And she's considering this as she gets out the car and what she can do to try and liven up her own day when she spots a figure sitting on the grass under a tree.

She smiles as she recognizes who it is, jogging over to him and she's just about to shout a cheery 'Aloha' when she realizes the figure is shaking.

She slows a little, lightly clears her throat and gently whispers 'Danny?'

He starts, quickly rubs his eyes and stands up. 'Hey, didn't see you there Kono, man the allergies, woo!off the scale' They both know he's fooling no one and for a minute he thinks she's going to let it go so he nods at her and starts to move away.

'Trouble is brah, I'm not even sure who I should be more worried about right now' She points to Danny 'You or the boss'. She smiles a gentle what she hopes is an encouraging smile to get him to open up.

'Even if you could offer me all the hours in the world to talk Kono and I know you would, it won't bring Matt back' He starts to move away before he stops, thinking how ungrateful do I sound? So he turns around and walks up to Kono offering a hand to squeeze 'I'm fine, mahalo'.

The smile he offers is as fake as the counterfeit money they're trying to track down so as she takes his hand quickly, let its drop and watches him leave she says to no one in particular, maybe hoping the fresh air will provide some wisdom 'I've never been less convinced brah'

And she sighs, following him inside.

* * *

><p>'Bruddah, what can I get you?' There's a knock on the window of the truck which shakes him out of the day dream. He's momentarily startled before he realizes where he is and so he opens the window a little.<p>

'Hey Kamekona, umm nothing, maybe a-um, a water?' And he offers his best most convincing smile.

'No shrimp?' And Kamekona is narrowing his eyes and so help Steve, he's about to start wagging his finger at him like a child so before that happens Steve hurriedly agrees to his usual order just to get him away and sure enough, the larger man beams and scurries away as fast as his frame allows and Steve gets out the car to head to one of the benches.

Steve has no idea what possessed him to come here of all places. Perhaps as it's the one place he's least likely to get a pep talk unless it's one about the benefits of shrimp and shave ice as an essential part of the leader of a Task Force's diet. Mind you he thinks bitterly, probably would be if counterfeit money is typical of the cases they'll face in the future.

He's stiff again, still working out some of the kinks from the injuries from the fight with Wo Fat. A sure sign he's not as young or as fit as he used to be. Cat teased him about that all the time and at the thought of her, he removes the phone from his pocket and swipes at the screen and there her face is. And for the umpteenth time today alone, he wants to message her somehow to say how much he needs her but he doesn't as with his luck and hers whenever she's with him, that'll be the death sentence that's been coming since the moment they met. So he swipes at it again and the screen goes black and he shuts his eyes for a moment. To his surprise there's nothing there to replace the thought of Catherine and for a moment, he's elated.

'Here you go' announces Kamekona as he practically throws the shrimp at Steve and then manoeuvres himself around to sit opposite Steve, the bench tilting a little under his weight.

'How you then Brah?'

And in the momentary elation of a moment of thinking of Cat and that not being followed or spoiled by a remembrance of a dead Wo Fat, he's just about to respond positively after a sip of shave ice when he gets a sudden brain freeze and shuts his eyes at the momentary discomfort and that's when everything crashes back and maybe later he'll wonder how so many images can come at once in apparently a matter of seconds and assault his brain, his body and every single sense but for now he's blind, seeing nothing but those images and he winces with the pain of it all registering a voice in the distance sounding concerned but he bats away those concerns, staggering upwards from the bench, swaying and flailing with his arms, feeling a hand touch his arm and it's fight or flight or both apparently this time and he swings at whoever tried to comfort him, hearing a cry of pain and a muttered 'Brah' but it's not a friendly voice and as he opens his eyes, all he sees is Wo Fat then his Father, then Danny and Grace, then Cat and then Wo Fat shooting them all and he cries ' No' and he knows he has his gun but he can't reach it quickly enough so he starts to punch and kick and somewhere else he registers the sound of cars and slamming doors and people are shouting 'Steve, no' but it's too late as they're all gone and he has to end Wo Fat once and for all and so he finally finds it and pulls it free and there's a bang and a scream and then white noise.

Then nothing.

To be continued.

Hmmm….so it's not getting any happier. I really wanted to pick up on Danny's trauma but obviously don't want to leave Steve's behind and I know only too well that PTSD is a rotten cow. The next and probably final chapter though god knows whether it will be given this was only supposed to be 2 parts, oops, will follow in a couple of days. There will be Danny/Steve scenes, and I promise there'll be some light relief. And Grover, perhaps. I hope its okay. And thanks so much for the reviews so far and follows and favorites, will reply individually once it's all done.


	3. Chapter 3

**Poloke part 3**

Mainly Danny and Steve again in this chapter but little bits of the others and an OC.

Italics mean flashback. Disclaimer as always apply.

* * *

><p><em>My savior, my friend. My brother, myself. The fire will rise, the fire will end. – All for one – Five for Fighting. <em>

He grips the chair and wonders when he'll stop the second glance towards it or indeed any chair to ensure he's not strapped in.

There's a slight cough. Then a louder one which breaks through the surface and he blinks a little.

'Steve?' the voice questions and he does his usual little start at the sound and then forces a smile.

'That's the end of today's session' The man sitting opposite him announces and as always since he started coming here just a couple of weeks back, he feels relief and yet disappointment that he doesn't feel any different than he did before he walked in 50 minutes ago.

He stands up, reaching his hand out to Gilbert who grasps it and says encouragingly 'You're doing good Steve, it'll take time from where you came to where you want to be'. And Steve nods and murmurs his 'Thanks'.

'Same time, day after tomorrow?' Gilbert asks and Steve smiles and fights back the urge to beg to see him the next day cos the problem is that now the seal has been broken, literally and metaphorically, he craves the fact that he can be honest here about all the fears he has. Instead he responds simply 'Then, yep'.

He hurries out the clinic with barely a glance at anyone else and heads out into the fresh air and crosses the road to the car.

He watches, a smile creeping at his lips, as Danny dutifully scoots across to the front passenger side, and as he reaches the car, he opens the driver door and slides in to sit behind the wheel.

There's a silence as there always is when he's finished the appointment. And there's Danny with his arms folded looking expectantly at him as Steve glances across.

'Not now Danny' he simply says.

There's a huff and a muttered 'Stubborn ass' in between a cough and Steve grins properly for the first time today. Danny's right after all.

* * *

><p><em>2 weeks earlier<em>

_They watch him. Every move he makes. Scared to talk almost, even Grover. Seeing him break so publicly, so spectacularly has shaken them all._

_And now he's sat in front of them, his hands shaking as he holds the coffee cup. Avoiding their eyes. Except for when he isn't and when he looks up but when he does, the eye contact avoidance moves to them instead. _

_What can you say anyway when the pretence that you're okay goes up in flames so massively. They're lucky it was only the shrimp van and a passing bird that got it in the neck, for the bird literally unfortunately, when Steve started shooting. That and a graze on one of Kamekona's arms._

_Eventually after speaking to Duke Lukela and managing to pacify the local bird lovers and having Kamekona checked over, they'd managed to get away without too much hassle having been caused._

_But the damage to Steve, to them all was far greater. _

_Steve's had enough of the silent treatment so he mutters 'I'm heading for a shower' and Danny starts to rise to follow him only to be stopped by one of Lou's hands. _

'_Let him go'. So he does. And they sit there in worried silence. Danny's already fielded calls from the Governor asking why in the hell was he the last to know that the Head of his Task Force had publicly blown a gasket. Danny thinks he's stalled him at least for a day. He hopes. _

_Upstairs, Steve undresses trying to ignore the trembling as the events of the last couple of hours, hell the events of the last 12 days, his whole life really begin to catch up on him. He turns on the taps in the shower and turns to remove his t-shirt and that's when he catches a glimpse of someone he used to know in the mirror. The eyes look sunken and lifeless, his face is sallow and he's definitely lost weight. But it's not him he reasons, he's not the man he used to know. And he nods his head at that affirmation and moves into the shower._

'_He'll be ok, right cuz?' She says passing a dish to Chin to dry. _

_Chin's never been one to lie. But as Kono asks the question in what's almost a childlike tone and sound of hope, daring him to prove her wrong and shatter her illusions, he's tempted now. _

'_He'll be fine' Chin's mouth moves to speak but its Grover who speaks as he walks into the kitchen with the empty glasses and cups in his hands. 'He'll be better than fine'._

_Kono smiles. 'Yeah he will'. _

'_Whether __**he'll **__be okay too, I don't know' Grover says as he turns back towards the direction of the living room and one Danny Williams who sits lost deep in thought, with one leg bouncing up and down and hands fiddling with the frayed edges of one of the old cushions on the sofa. _

'_I'll go talk to him' Chin walks past them both and makes his way to sit next to Danny._

_Danny shows no real sign of knowing that Chin's there. 'You ok, brah?' _

_Still no acknowledgment and he's about to push him further when there's a crash upstairs and now Danny's with the world and moving faster than he's moved in a long time as they all hurry to the source of the noise._

* * *

><p>Danny slams the car door behind him, and with a tip of the hand towards the driver seat, he crosses the road and walks into the building. Same old dance, same old routine. If you can call a week of this a routine anyway.<p>

He smiles and nods at the brunette receptionist coincidentally called Rachel, coincidentally British. Completely un coincidentally not the woman who broke his heart several times over and she smiles her most winning smile yet since he first stepped through these doors and asks him to sit down.

As always he's impatient to start. He flicks through the magazines that lie next to him, announcing that some sister of Beyoncé has gotten married and he could give all kinds of crap about that, he couldn't, that is until it's time to go in and then he'd quite happily be force fed entertainment weekly for the rest of his life if it meant he didn't have to go in.

But as he hears the voice 'Danny?' He nods his hello, rolls his eyes heavenward, smiles his most winning smile yet at nice British Rachel and stands up.

* * *

><p><em>It's Danny unsurprisingly who arrives first and oh man doesn't he wish he could turn right round and out of the room again but no, he failed one brother all too recently and he sure as hell isn't going to do it to this one so as he hears the others arrive and Lou's 'Oh man' articulating all that they're thinking out loud, he moves swiftly to Steve's side.<em>

_Steve is out of the shower, sitting naked on the ground with a graze on the side of his cheek from where he must have collided with the wash basin and he's rocking to and fro mumbling something that Danny can't quite make out._

_So he scoots down sitting next to Steve, not touching him as he appears to be in his own world and while there may be no guns as far as he knows in this room or any birds for that matter, he's too aware suddenly of the fragility of Steve right now. _

'_Steve' he whispers gently. 'Hey Steve' Nothing._

_He looks behind him and up at Lou, Chin and Kono and they each smile and nod encouragingly. _

'_Hey, you big lug, Earth to Steven' Nothing. 'Babe' Nothing. And then from nowhere it comes 'Brother?' And there's a flick of the eyes definitely from Steve to Danny for just a moment until Steve starts to shiver again, the motion of forwards and backwards starting once more._

_And Danny leans in slightly, as far as his self-preservation and desire not to crowd Steve will let him, and that's where he hears the words 'No more water, no more' and he's confused. Steve's had many a shower since he came home from hospital after his ordeal so why now? _

_He notices Steve shiver again and so he looks around him for a towel and that's when he spies one on the floor, a small flannel completely soaked, so he reaches for that first and hands it to Lou to wring out while Kono disappears briefly. _

'_We'll get you warm again in just a minute, babe'. And it's brief but there's a small nod amongst the shivering, the murmuring and the rocking. _

_Lou hands back the flannel, not dry but a little less damp than before which Danny sets on the floor, and then Kono's there with a large towel which Danny thanks her for and he's draped the larger towel round Steve to keep him warm. 'How about we get you up and dry, huh babe?' There's no response so instead Danny starts gently at first to get Steve dry while he's on the floor which is pretty hard all told when the person you're trying to dry isn't your young daughter but some great stubborn colossus of a man. _

_But bit by bit, he gets Steve dry and manoeuvres his friend into the jogging bottoms that Kono brought back along with the towel and the shivering slowly stops and the murmuring does too except for one small mumble of 'Thanks' that passes Steve's lips._

_Danny smiles 'You're welcome Steven'. _

_He scoots round to face Steve picking up the flannel from the floor and the graze is tiny as he wipes gently at his face, the heat of the water having made it look worse than it is but the flannel is too dry and it's like the feel of sandpaper over Danny's hands so it'll only feel worse on Steve's face, Danny is sure so there once again is Lou reading his mind and drenching the flannel._

_And that's where all hell breaks loose again as Lou hands the flannel back to Danny and a droplet of water lands on Steve's forehead and he starts a little, and then as Danny moves the flannel straight to Steve's face, the whole of it tills it begins to cover his eyes and it's a scream at first, until it's a cry of 'No'. Again and again and again. _

* * *

><p>'You understand why we keep over the same ground don't you Danny?' And he does surprisingly or not as the case may be. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT for short). Exactly what Grace told him he'd receive and needed. His own daughter despite her grief for her Uncle Matty telling her Dad to go along with all they suggested, all he received as then she'd get her Danno back. And 'Danno'. Well the fact that she still calls him Danno even despite her awkwardness as she gets older, well if that ain't the best thing about this world, he wants to know what is.<p>

But there he is digressing again. And now here he is.

Happy clapping. Talking about his feelings. Talking about barrels. Of all the things he could and should be talking about and here they were talking about fucking barrels. His 'joke' about 'well I guess there's no point in us shooting fish in a barrel' going down about as well it had in his head seconds before he said it.

And all because, he'd made a promise to his best friend that if that friend was going to go see a shrink, maybe he should too.

'Danny?' And for a moment he's lost and unsure of where he is and he mistakes that voice once again.

'Matt?' He blinks his eyes, staring across the room with hope until he recognizes the glasses and the wry smile.

'No Danno, it's me, Gil, I'm sorry buddy'.

Danny makes a small noise, halfway between a little laugh and a snort 'I knew it was you and yeah I do know why we keep going over the same things and barrels and the fact that whatever else we say about anything, the only certainty here is that I'll wake up tomorrow morning again to realize I let my little brother down again and nothing anyone can ever do can ever change that'.

'And that's why we keep going over the same thing over and over and over and will do for always Danny, until the first thing you see when you wake up in the morning isn't the image of that barrel and the first thing you feel won't be that guilt' and damn Gilbert as there's that serene smile again that makes Danny believe it can happen even with all the odds against it.

And there's that sigh he knows signals the end of the session again. And before Gilbert can say it Danny simply says 'Day after tomorrow?' and they nod and smile.

And he plasters that grin and smiles that smile towards the non-evil Rachel and he breathes in the fresh air and smirks as Steve removes his sunglasses, brings down the sun visor, and revs the car once as he Danny slides into the passenger seat.

And they stare at each other for what seems like forever. Without either speaking or enquiring after the other. Just like each time until Danny announces this time without a cough to disguise the words. 'So I guess we're both stubborn asses then?'

'So it seems' comes the response and with another rev, they're gone.

* * *

><p><em>Time feels immaterial right now thinks Danny. And he's lost all track of time to anyway though the light in the bathroom is fading a little more all the time. <em>

_Chin, Kono and Lou left Danny alone with Steve what seems like an age ago. Truth is, Danny's struggling to remember a time when it wasn't today. Ok, he knows that's illogical but two Steve meltdowns in this day, hell any day, are also highly illogical. And yet here he is gripping onto Steve's hand while Steve clutches his arm like an anchor. _

_They've sat in silence now since Steve's world caved in once again and all because of a wet flannel and Danny's none the wiser and he daren't say a word to break the uneasy calm. _

_Then. _

'_I, I-I' Steve's voice barely makes it out of a whisper, a croaky whisper really. But it's a sound that isn't Steve crying or shouting or even screaming no matter how brief and he's thankful. _

'_Hey babe, you ok?' he softly asks squeezing his friend's hand. It's the dumbest question he's asked in a long time._

_And of course he's not surprised at the answer when it comes. 'Yeah…' _

_Until there's the word he didn't expect, the acknowledgement that no it wasn't all ok. 'Actually…no'._

_He watches as Steve's mouth moves to speak, not once, not twice but several times. They've got all night if they need it._

'_It was the shower, the water, the flannel and him when I shut my eyes' He pauses, Adam's apple bobbing up and down and rubbing at his face with the hand of the arm he's finally released from the anchor that was Danny's. 'I- well – I was back there and the towel over my face and it's bad enough that I see Dad when I shut my eyes or even Cat sometimes and each time they turn into him but…' he pauses again and breathes heavily and damn but those are tears that Danny can see betraying Steve's eyes and running down the side of his cheeks 'even now when I shower it's like I'm back there and I can't breathe and if I keep my eyes open I'll be okay but I forget each time, it's just that you were here tonight, you all were and well look at me….' And Steve gestures at himself a look of disgust on his face mixed with the tears and he looks anything but the Head of H50. _

'_I'm looking' Danny says softly and it's all he can do to reach out and wipe those tears away just like he would with Grace…just like he did with Ma- but he stops that thought right away. Until he's looking at Steve and all he can see is his brother and this is the most inconvenient time for him to have a breakdown isn't it so he starts trying to distract himself by shutting his eyes and filling his thoughts with pineapples until a noise escapes from him which is half bitter laugh/half bitter sob and its seemingly enough to break Steve from the spell he's been under._

'_Danny? ''Danno?' 'Daniel?' _

_And he opens his eyes and is surprised that there's moisture and it's running down his face. And as he blinks and wipes at his face with one hand, he sees Matt again mouthing his name and just mumbles 'Matthew?' until he feels an arm pull him closer to them until their foreheads are leaning against each other practically and there's the soft sound of gentle murmuring reassuring him he'd be okay. And they wouldn't lie would they? _

* * *

><p>A further 10 days on and Steve nods earnestly, smiles, speaks clearly and as confidently as he has in what feels like forever and says 'Yes sir' in all the right places but ultimately to no avail. Still no H50 back in business until he's cleared by Gilbert. He excuses himself from Denning's office and out of the building, heading back out into the fresh air, putting his sunglasses on, he exhales and contemplates the thought of more down time, more boredom and more nagging courtesy of what feels like the whole island at the moment.<p>

Before he can get carried away brooding, there's the sound of a horn in the distance and he glances at his watch. Right on time.

He strides to the car, smiling as the occupant scoots over. So well trained. So routine. Yet anything but.

He opens the door and jumps in.

'More downtime right?' Danny asks.

Steve nods, no words necessary. It's hardly a surprise to either occupant. There's progress in each of them but Steve in particular is a little way off.

They smile at one another ruefully. Still a few hours till unbitch Rachel and Gilbert time. And just as Steve's about to proclaim his boredom for the thousandth time…..Steve's cell rings. Unidentified number.

Steve removes his sunglasses, arching an eyebrow and looking dramatically at Danny who rolls his eyes.

'So help me, it's probably a sales call Steven'. And Steve mock pouts then punches the green accept button.

'Hello' he chirps.

'Who is that?' comes the voice that's sounding vaguely British combined with any other number of foreign accents while trying but failing to sound mysterious and yet at the same time so utterly recognizable.

'It's James Bond, Jerry, who do ya think?' And there's a gasp at the end of the phone.

'Don't say my name out loud over the airwaves, how many times huh McGarrett?' And Steve and Danny exchange a glance and smiles.

'Anyway, even after you just blew my cover to anyone listening in and though I shouldn't give you this lead, I figured since the word on the streets, well courtesy of Kamekona anyway is that you guys are still on downtime – I thought I'd give you both a little bit of work if you want it'

And before Danny can even consider 2 things. 1. That Kamekona seemingly knew even possibly before Denning about the down time they'd still be on and how does he do it? Then 2. That he definitely doesn't want to get involved in any work that Jerry wants them to do…

'Name it Jerry'. Yep there's his partner.

And despite his every instinct telling him not to get involved, he casts a sidelong glance at Steve and for a moment there's the signs that he's getting his old partner back. And for a moment, he forgets about Gilbert and Matt and before he can stop himself.

'Yep, name it, whatever crackpot thing it is, bring it on'.

And so he does.

* * *

><p><em>It's dark now as Chin, Lou and Kono sit downstairs in the kitchen. Not saying a word but listening out for any sign of movement upstairs.<em>

'_You think we should go up' asks Kono._

_A small but definite shake of the head from Chin. 'No, this has been coming for a while, give 'em space, they'll know we're here'._

'_Yeah we do' and into the kitchen walks Steve. Apparently not having lost any of this stealthiness despite all he's faced. He looks tired, exhausted even. Eyes red though not just with lack of sleep. The graze on his face looking worse in the harsh light of the kitchen. _

_And following behind. Danny. Looking every inch as tired as Steve. Every inch as broken, mentally at least._

'_About time you two came down' Lou announces standing up from the chair. 'Y'okay?'  
><em>

_In unison they respond 'Yes'. But they all know it's a lie. _

_They exchange glances just for a moment. Danny meets their eyes for the first time in what feels like a lifetime. 'We talked it over, not everything admittedly as frankly I don't think there's enough time in the world today to talk through everything but...' _

_Steve takes over 'We're going to speak to an old Navy Seal guy I've heard good stuff about...he was a prisoner in 'Nam and he looks after guys with...' he rolls the words around in his head for a moment, still not liking how they sound. And he glances at them all for what he doesn't know until he sees it in their eyes.  
><em>

_'Post traumatic Stress Disorder'.. And the words tumble out and he wonders why he's ever worried about saying them before. Then he breathes deeply and shuts his eyes, for a moment he sees his brother and it's Danny this time. He opens his eyes again and smiles sadly, hopefully. 'I'm tired of being poloke'. _

_To be completed _

_Poloke means Broken.  
><em>

Sorry for delay in writing this next chapter…combination of a block in my head and all the old emotions coming back and wanting to do the fic, the episode and the characters justice. It's harder than I imagined it would be to articulate some of the stuff they'd be going through as some of it's from experience, though thankfully I've never been tortured by Wo Fat as that would suck a bit, hence why it's running to more parts than I intended.

I will be doing an epilogue or part 4 out of 4 next and it will be lighter I promise with hopefully a nice little surprise in there.

And just to say, I will be responding soon individually where I can to each of your reviews but for here and now to you all and also for those of you whose review is anonymous, thank you so much for taking the time to comment. It means a lot and can't tell you how much it brightens my day and lightens this cloud.


	4. Chapter 4

**Poloke part 4**

Once again mainly Danny and Steve plus a mention of the rest in sections.

In this final part, it's a month on from the events of the last chapter.

Disclaimers etc., apply

* * *

><p>I wish I would, I've been waiting a while<br>For a day to come, when I'm ready to smile  
>I said I should every once in a while.<p>

_Good enough – Crosby Loggins and the Light. _

He's not sure how long he's been staring at the shower for. He chews his lip as he ponders his next move. It's all very well discussing this with Gilbert and yes, he's been practising the emotional freedom techniques and tapping all over his head, side, arms while Danny's stared at him recently incredulous as he repeats little mantras to himself, and yes he knows it's completely irrational but it's been too long that he's been washing himself over the basin rather than using the shower and it's probably just his imagination but people have been walking and standing a little further downwind from him in the last few days so he figures it's time.

Except perhaps it isn't and as he puts one foot towards the shower, he wills a noise to come from anywhere to distract him, give him the excuse to get the hell out of dodge or his shower room, whatever.

But as his is lot, he's not saved by the bell and so he sighs deeply grasping his right wrist with his left hand, never mind that he's missed all the tapping points. 'Peace' he says to the whole room as he then inhales deeply then releases the breath and before he knows it, he's there under the water.

He experiences a million kinds of emotions in just a few seconds. And he realizes he's breathing heavily so he inhales shakily again one hand leaning on the side of the cubicle to steady himself. 'Relax' he tells himself. And to his surprise he starts to but he's not foolish enough to think that this is over, his eyes are resolutely wide as the water cascades on his body and he makes no effort to clean himself.

Until he does the next action that he knows would probably have Danny and Grover calling 911 or all kinds of shrinks on him if he wasn't careful and just reaches behind his neck and simply presses on the skin making a small sound in his head.

And before he knows it, he's pushing the door of the cubicle and reaching across to the basin for the flannel. And as he closes the door, it's like he's watching himself from above. Except he isn't, he's well aware of all he's doing and yet from nowhere there's this calmness, this control that's appeared and he moistens the flannel watching as it saturates and lifts it up towards his body first then slowly towards his face and it's ok, his eyes are open still but it's ok to have this flannel over his face.

He knows full well what he has to do next. And he battles against it, the confidence and control momentarily disappearing until there's a voice in his head he knows and wishes was there for real and so he nods and in his head 'You got it dad' and as he rubs the flannel back over his face, he slowly shuts his eyes and he gasps initially and all he remembers is pain, panic and drowning and a man's voice until he thinks of the ocean and his Dad and him sitting and having a bottle and staring out under the sunset and it's not easy, it never is and it's so brief…15 seconds at most with his eyes shut, bringing a new all-time record to the Navy shower perhaps.

But he did it. And as he turns off the water he's smiling albeit recognizing that the water that's now encroaching on his cheek as he steps from the cubicle and begins to dry himself isn't shower water at all.

2 minutes later and he's dry and he picks up the cell phone, and types a brief message. Seconds later, and his phone goes crazy 'Beep, Beep, Beep' while it vibrates on the basin top and he glances down and he smiles as in between the 'Never doubted it for a moment' 'Welcome back' and 'I'm so proud' messages comes the one he's missed all this time 'Good, you stank' and he laughs as he looks and glances at the face in the mirror that for the first time in ages, he recognizes.

* * *

><p>'I love you too mom' and he puts the phone in the inside pocket of his jacket. He's at the airport now. throwing some notes at the cab driver who mumbles his thanks, ready to head home. Hawaii? Home? And yet it is, more than ever. There's a longing to get there he's never felt before and it feels odd yet comforting.<p>

He's been with his family for the last week, on the advice of nearly everyone around him, and he started to notice a change on the 5th day where from before he never wanted to let his parents out of his sight for even a moment for fear they'd judge him the moment they were no longer there with him for letting Matt down.

All the time he'd spent with Gilbert, trying to make sense of it all, going over and over the same things and yet all it took was good old fashioned time and good old fashioned family.

Of course he'd gone home before, shortly after it happened. But numb with grief, lost for words as they all were. It was purely to lay him to rest…but how and with what? He'd been left behind in Colombia. So instead, they'd buried his belongings, his toys from when he was a boy in a casket and as Clara Williams despite her emotions wasn't given to over sentimentality and crying over some grave, they'd cremated him.

And so for the first five days when not following his parents' every moves he'd stared at the little container on the mantel with all the belongings, his life story, just turned to ash.

Until that 5th day when he'd snuck out with the container and walked and walked until he reached it. The spot. Their place as kids. And he'd sat there for hours. Saying nothing.

Until the swing next to him started to move in the windless day and for a moment he thought he'd imagined it. Too little sleep apparently. And he shook his head at himself. But then the creak came again and the swing moved slowly at first then faster.

'Hey babe' and the swing simply carried on swinging gentler now, no sound. 'I miss you…I'm sorry for judging you and I'm sorry for letting you down…Gracie misses you' There's a beat. 'Goddamit we all do Matt'.

And the moving of the swing slowed to a stop and he would never say it anywhere else but the breeze picked up around his shoulders until a light pressure on his left shoulder there just for a moment and then it was gone.

'Goodbye' he whispered into the empty still park around him, not worried that the tears fell freely now.

He didn't hear the engine or the doors slam or register the sound of his name being called. He felt a new pressure on each shoulders and looked up to the faces of his parents whispering 'I'm sorry' over and over and over again until finally after who knew how many times they'd replied 'it's not your fault' he actually heard the words.

And he believed them. Not for him a lifetime of blame, regrets? Maybe. What might have beens? Absolutely. But blame, that ship sailed the moment he blew Reyes to bits. Ultimately, it had been his brother's own doing that took them along this path.

And now as he turns away from the cab, fixing the small bag on his shoulder striding towards the terminal and as he hears the message tone on his phone and smiles at the contents firing one straight back, he's not dumb enough to think that this is over, that the moment he steps on the plane that it'll be over and he'll go on in his life without giving the events recently a second thought, far from it. The events have scarred him for life, but perhaps not in the wholly negative way he thought they would just a short time ago.

And that's enough. Right now.

* * *

><p>They're all waiting as he arrives, all smiling as he exits his truck and he smiles almost shyly at them. Why he's surprised at their reaction, their smiles, their relieved and slightly over pitched chatter as he falls into step alongside them heading towards the arrival hall of the airport, he's not even sure. They've proved time again that no matter what else is going on in his life, they'll have his back and yes while this morning has been a massive obstacle to get over, they've several more along the way he's sure starting with Denning tomorrow morning.<p>

But that's for then and as he glances up at the screen announcing the imminent arrival of the flight, he's feeling hopeful for the first time in what seems like an eternity.

* * *

><p>He fiddles with his hair, smiling briefly at the stewardess as he disembarks from the aircraft, bypassing baggage reclaim and striding through, his pace quickening and it's all a novelty. Yes of course Steve had told him about the other world when he'd been under the influence of the cocktail of drugs Wo Fat had forced on him, where Danny had been Hawaii'd up to the max and he's not even close to that and adorning himself with Hawaiian shirts or naming his place Pineapple Paradise or anything but it feels so good to be back.<p>

And then he's in the arrivals hall and looking around for them and for a moment when he can't seem them, he feels a pit in his stomach, maybe something went wrong? Typical of McGarrett's dumb luck to trip and fall head first in some celebratory shower cubicle incident and the black cloud starts to descend again until...

'Danny' And he turns and they're right there and he's only been away for a week and yet it feels like forever, like a whole different time and as he looks between them all he then rests his gaze on Steve, and goddamit he actually looks like Steve for the first time in well…too long and maybe he feels the same but the time for dwelling has gone so…

'I can't tell you how happy I am that I can stand down wind of you now without feeling like I'm gonna faint, babe and by the way thanks for shaving, you were beginning to resemble that guy in that film with the volleyball who talked to himself, climbed mountains for fun, was good at building fires from nothing except a bit of wood and flint and was a bit worrying to be around for most of the time and…' he pauses for a moment, enjoying the smiles on their faces 'Oh wait….what? Did they make the film about you Steven?'

And he catches the widest smile on Steve's face just as his friend turns away from him flicking the bird. And man, it's good to be home.

* * *

><p>The soft laughter and hum of conversation follows Steve as he takes the plates into the kitchen setting them down on the counter and he's just about to head to the fridge to pick up some beers when there's a message tone and he pulls the cell from his pocket and glances down at the phone and there's Mary-Ann holding Joanie and they're smiling while Mary holds a picture that's been drawn with a big thumbs up on it with the words 'We're so proud of you and love you so much' and he sends a quick response, smiling as he does then pushing the phone away back into his pants pocket.<p>

He opens the fridge door when the cell starts to vibrate and he pulls it out, narrowing his eyes 'unknown number' and he frowns slightly.

'Hello' he asks. And for a moment there's just static so he heads from the kitchen and swiftly out to the lanai continuing to shout 'Hello' into the phone while behind him Lou and Danny grumble at the lack of beer.

And then...

'Steve? Can you hear me?' And it can't be and he actually pinches his skin at the side of his neck just to make sure he's not back in that room but he's still here.

'Cath, Catherine?'

And then there's a small laugh 'It's me'

And he's lost for words. When he's wished for this moment a million times over, dreamt of it even and now she's there and he doesn't know what to say.

'I'm still here, still alive and still in Afghanistan' And now the line is clear, she could be in the next room and he actually turns around looking into the house and toward the door, willing her to knock on it or in fact just burst right on in screaming 'Surprise!'.

But of course this isn't the movies and so he simply asks 'Are you ok?'

'I'm good, I can't talk for long but it's genuinely the first time I've been able to trust the line to speak just for a couple of minutes, to tell you I never stop thinking of you Steve, never stop dreaming of coming home'

'So come home' and as he says those words, he knows that for how simple they may sound, it's a whole lot more complicated.

He hears her sigh, can picture her face and he's not known Catherine Rollins for so long without expecting what she says.

'I can't…its so close…He's so close…Najib I mean' She hesitates 'I'm sorry Steve'

'I understand' and despite it all he does. More than anyone could.

'Are _you _ok? Is everyone okay?' Just for a moment he considers telling her the truth and that the only thing that can make him truly okay is having her there, but for what good what that do? Send her running hell-bent in finding Najib in her hurry to get home and make a costly error to ensure she never does. And in truth he doesn't want to go there because despite her words, he thinks he knows this as close as he'll ever get to being with her again.

And he's just about to respond when the line starts to crackle again and he hears her curse 'Shit, these lines are awful…I have to go…stay safe Steve…I love you'

'I'm ok – I love you too, please stay safe' he responds but there's no one there.

For a moment, he doesn't move a muscle then as he walks across the grass and closer to the ocean, tears are threatening once again and he wonders when he turned into such a cry baby until he stops and he watches the perfect sunset then he shuts his eyes and all he sees is her face and John McGarrett's and he's raising a glass and Steve smiles for a moment then opens his eyes and whispers 'Aloha Au Ia 'Oe' to the night.

'Steve, babe, you ok?' Danny is by his side nudging him lightly with his shoulder and Steve turns to him and nods 'Yeah, yeah I think I am'.

And Danny nods, smiling. 'Me too' And Steve puts a friendly arm round his shoulder as they walk back towards the house.

'Who was that on the phone?' Danny asks.

'Tell you about it later'

Danny looks up, appraising his friend's face 'you won't but ok, now get us all a beer you big lug' as he neatly side steps the affectionate swipe of the head savoring the laughter around him.

Normalcy. Definitely not over rated.

* * *

><p>'Yes sir' and he excuses himself from Denning's office, moving swiftly out the building, taking in the rare cloudy sky but fixing his sunglasses on anyway thanks to the beer and the late night in the company of them all the previous night.<p>

And he breathes deeply when there's the sound of a horn nearby. Right on time.

And he strides over as the occupant skips over to the other seat and he allows himself a small smile. He notices behind him there's the sound of car doors as others ascend on the car, he opens the door sliding into his seat, and there's silence and four pairs of eyes on him.

He used to be great at a poker face but not today and the grin takes over his whole face

'We're back in business' and he hears whoops and cheers and Kono kissing him, then he glances at Danny who's nodding and smiling while he gazes out his window lost in thought.

'We, I mean Danny and I, we see Gil for a few more weeks or until he gets tired of us but we are, we're back in business'

* * *

><p><span>2 DAYS LATER<span>

'So help me Steven, 1 day, not even 1 day, not 1' and he's emphasizing the number 1 with the finger on his left hand while the other hand gesticulates wildly 'whole day has passed since we got back to this job on this godforsaken island and already you're pissing me off and seemingly ignoring every single rulebook ever created for a sane human being' He starts to applaud, apparently sarcastically as he continues 'Bravo babe, bravo'.

And Steve continues to drive, face impassive, the edge of his lips beginning to turn upwards.

'Oh no, it's no laughing matter Steven, you tell me how you're going to explain to my daughter how we wound up dead coz you, YOU are driving like a lunatic again, please just tell me' And he finally sits back.

'One thing, well actually two Daniel' Steve knows full well that the use of his name in its fullest grates almost as much these days as Danno does.

'Number 1…I think even I as amazing as I undoubtedly am and in the incredibly unlikely event that I'd ever damage this car never mind us, well even I would struggle to explain to Gracie why and how we'd wound up dead…given that….well' And he pauses 'We'd be dead'.

Danny snorts with indignation and looks about to start speaking.

'Ah Ah Ah' continues Steve, mimicking Danny's gesticulating 'And 2, why exactly was I driving like a lunatic, quote unquote? Oh wait what's that….someone wants a shave ice and someone knows that Kamekona is shutting in precisely 5 minutes' and he's grinning broadly and it's all Danny can do to smile himself but he restrains himself.

'I hate you so much'.

'I love you too'.

The end.

'Aloha Au Ia 'Oe' means I love you.

Well there you go…..hope that ended ok for you all. Honestly could've written reams and reams of pages about them both struggling to come to terms with everything during the month that I've not covered but that would've been no fun for anyone!

Couple of things: Emotional Freedom Techniques, something used by counsellors to mixed results…not found it massively helpful anywhere except when I'm in the room with mine but can see how for some it could help a little. Also the action in the shower, it's like you flick a little switch and only you need to know about it and it's like it's another person…not an act exactly but a chance to stow the fear in side you and pardon the cliché but do it anyway. See what I mean, if I'd done the month in between, you'd have had the dummy's guide to self-help. Not pretty.

And hope the re-introduction of Cat was ok. Thought about introducing Ellie instead but I prefer Cat and Steve and I just wanted one thing to go right for him albeit in a bitter sweet way. Did think about making her walk through the door but that would've been too twee for me.

Anyway, got some ideas for other fics based around 5x07 but really want to write something else not related to it first if I can just get some ideas…. thanks so much for bearing with this and for reading, reviewing, favoriting, following etc.,

Ta-ra for now. x


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